Author’s Notes: This mission is rated M and NSFW for mentioning of sexual content and for agents using swear words.
The fic is a side story to the agents’ very first mission, Better Than Revenge, in which Hermione was a Time Lord and a Sue, to boot. It should be possible to read this without knowing the other, but it might be more fun to read that first.
The term ‘Meta Crisis’ does not appear in this fic, but is used in the main fic, which is how I know that this really is a Meta Crisis and not the Sue inventing a non-canonical form of regeneration.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to the legen — wait for it… — dary Jay and Acacia; I’m only playing in it. Torchwood and Doctor Who belong to the BBC. The Great Escape belongs to Blinded-Kit who is asked to keep it – preferably far away from us. Agents Mittens and the Radioactive Moss Creature are mine.
In RC#170 there was peace and quiet. Mittens was sitting in one of the beanbags, playing Okami. The Radioactive Moss Creature was rubbing the tulip kitten, Aniseed, with a flame repellent ointment known as kenet, which originated in Robin McKinley’s ‘The Hero and the Crown’ continuum. Back when the agents had acquired their mini-Darkspawn, many of which could breathe fire, they had taken to fireproofing the RMC twice a week, to prevent any mishaps. When the RMC had adopted Aniseed, this precaution had been extended to her. Aniseed thought that this was one of the greatest pleasures life had to offer and was purring like a small sawmill. She also liked the taste of the ointment and it was a bit of a struggle for the RMC to get it on her before she could lick it off its paws.
In the game, Mittens was trying to get through the Konahana Shuffle and had been trying unsuccessfully for about twenty minutes. Now he finally thought he had it figured out and started the sequence again. He got the first flower right, then the second, the third and the fourth and was just about to do the fifth. It will come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the workings of the PPC, that the console chose this exact moment to go BEEP! Mittens’ thumb slipped and he lost the fifth flower. He got up, noticed that his right foot was asleep and limped over to the console, where he pressed the red button and started to read the Intelligence Report.
The RMC stopped what it was doing and watched him for a moment, which Aniseed took advantage of by pouncing on its paw and licking off the kenet. It gently shook her off and resumed the rubbing, but still watched Mittens, trying to get a hint about what kind of mission this was, by looking at his expression.
The agents had heard nothing from Upstairs about their, or rather the RMC’s, decision to use a completely new recruit in a mission. It was of course possible, that Upstairs had decided to overlook the harebrained scheme on account of it actually working, but it didn’t really believe this. It rather suspected that Upstairs were planning to punish them in a more subtle way and it kept expecting a Twilight troll-fic to land on their table.
However, when Mittens finally turned around, his expression was not one of horror, but rather one of slight puzzlement. “You remember our first mission?” he asked.
“Of course,” the RMC replied. “Bleeprin can only do so much.”
“What’s a ‘Side Story…ONE-SHOT’?”
The RMC winced slightly. “It is usually just pronounced ‘one-shot’, without all caps. Let me have a look.” By now it had finished with Aniseed, so it dried its paws on a towel and walked over to the console to have a look at the Intelligence Report. “Yes, I remember,” it said. “In our first mission, the Time Lord!Sue died, but regenerated as herself – only even prettier, of course – and explained it with having gone through a Meta Crisis. Back then I assumed that she was simply hand waving the explanation, but it appears that she was serious.”
“I’ll go ready the backpack then. I’ll bring the gun and the Muggle-use wand.” Mittens had no idea what the RMC was talking about, but figured that he would catch on eventually and that the RMC would tell him, if there was anything he really needed to know.
“So, I was thinking,” the RMC said, a bit later, when they were ready to go and Mittens was setting the disguises. “Maybe when we get back, we could go catch a movie.”
“Sure. Did you have anything in mind?”
“Well, our author has this tradition, where every year she goes to see ‘The Nightmare before Christmas’ in 3D. What do you say we one-up her?”
Mittens nodded thoughtfully. “Christmas,” he said. “Yes, that sounds like fun.”
The portal opened and the agents jumped through.
After a short disclaimer, the fic started in the final episode of ‘Children of Earth’ where Jack’s grandson, Steven, was being used as a living weapon against the 456. His mother was screaming and being held back by a couple of guards.
“Urgh,” the RMC said. “Can’t even get that right. His mother was outside a door looking in when this happened.”
Mittens looked at it. “You’re a cat again,” he said.
“So I am,” the RMC said. “Guess I shouldn’t have distracted you, while you were setting disguises. Or maybe the console just thought, that since I was a cat the last time we dealt with this Sue, I should be so again. Anyway, we’ll leave it be, if that’s all right with you. I’m actually more comfortable having four legs.”
“Okay.”
“Charge for getting the scene wrong, please,” the RMC said.
Mittens had brought the old notebook from their first mission. He flipped to the back and added the new charge.
They could see the crack forming on his forehead as his brain began to explode inside his school, and then finally, it was over and his limp body fell to the ground.
Steven’s head turned into a small school building and then he fell to the ground.
“If we ever needed proof that this really is the same Sue, I’d say we just got it,” Mittens said.
The RMC flicked its tail in distaste. “She’s getting things even more wrong,” it said. “Steven’s brain did not explode and there was no crack on his forehead. He was bleeding from the nose and ears and it was a lot more dignified than this.”
The Hermione!Sue, the agents knew from their first mission, teleported in, glowing with regeneration. She went over to Steven.
She stated sadly down at the young boy, placing one hand on his forehead and another softly on his chin, to open his mouth. She exhaled, the gold dust like particles flew out of her mouth and into his. Slowly, the light glow around her dimmed as she gave her regeneration to the boy.
Steven returned to life.
“Oh, great,” the RMC said. “Now we have a non-canonically alive canon to deal with.”
“Well, that’s my good deed of the day.” Hermione groaned as she stretched, before pulling her vortex manipulator from her pocket.
“Charge for having a vortex manipulator,” the RMC said. “They are generally only found on Time Agents and Jack’s is accounted for so …” Its voice trailed of as a thought struck it and it looked from Hermione to Steven and back again. “Wait, a minute,” it said. “This is wrong. This is very, very wrong.”
“What is?” Mittens asked.
“Hang on; I’ll just check the words. I could be mistaken.” The RMC squinted. “No, I’m not. She faints into the strong arms of Captain Jack, there’s a scene change and she wakes up in a hotel room some time later.” It hissed, then continued: “She sleeps with Jack, makes him seriously consider a threesome with the Doctor and there is no mentioning whatsoever of Ianto Jones and his recent death. But we have to let those charges go. We need to clean up this mess, right now; I’ll explain later. The minute Hermione faints, open a portal beneath her and Jack. That scene change can not be allowed to happen.”
Mittens nodded and as Hermione fainted into the arms of Jack, he opened the portal and they fell through.
“Now neuralyze the rest,” the RMC said. Mittens took out the neuralyzer, held it high and stepped forward. Everyone, who had been staring at the place where Jack disappeared, looked at him; some of them pointed weapons at him. He closed his eyes and pressed the button.
“Right,” he said. “There was no mysterious woman, who showed up to save Steven. Jack did most certainly not fall though the ground a minute ago. I was never here and neither was my cat.” Then he jumped though the portal in the floor, the RMC following him.
Captain Jack Harkness fell though the portal and landed on a hilltop in a remote location, still managing to hold on to Hermione. A few moments later, Mittens and the RMC came after him.
Jack looked at them and frowned. “You look familiar somehow,” he said. He looked down at Hermione. “She’s not real, is she?”
The RMC shook its head. “No,” it said.
If Jack was at all surprised at the talking cat, he didn’t show it. “So Steven is not really saved?” he asked.
“No,” the RMC answered. “But he wouldn’t have been anyway. She screwed up really badly.”
Jack nodded and dropped the Sue on the ground. “Too good to be true,” he said.
“Look this way, please,” Mittens said and held up the neuralyzer. A moment later, when Jack was properly neuralyzed, they opened a portal to the corridor in the warehouse and sent him through. Then they turned to the Sue.
Mittens shook her awake, not gently, and she opened her eyes with the confused look of a person, who was expecting to wake up in a bed, with Captain Jack Harkness in the room wearing only a towel, and instead woke up on a hill, with a seriously irate person standing over her and a cat sitting next to her.
The RMC had the notebook placed in front of it, opened on the last page.
“Hermione Granger, you are charged with a bunch of the same crimes as in our first mission, which we won’t bother to go into here, except for two things. Firstly, your are charged with ignoring the fact that the Harry Potter books are a fictional series in the Whoniverse; a charge we forgot to make the last time, so it’s nice to get that out of the way. Secondly you are charged with character defamation of Hermione Granger, by claiming to be her, which annoys us even more in this fic.
You are also charged with not getting the scenes right, with having a vortex manipulator and with serious canon breaching by making a Human-Time Lord Meta-Crisis with Steven Carter. There has only ever been one of those and it is so extraordinary, that it made Donna Noble the most important woman in the universe; but even this huge canon break pales in comparison to what you did next, which was nothing. You know what a Meta Crisis is, so you must know what it did to Donna Noble and what the Doctor had to do to keep her from harm, and yet you took absolutely no precautions to keep Steven Carter safe. Which means that, in a very short time, his brain is going to overload and fry from the inside.” It took a deep breath and yelled: “What the fuck is wrong with you!? You didn’t think once was enough for the kid!?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hermione smirked.
“No, it pretty fucking obvious, that you don’t know what I’m talking about and why don’t you!? Did you only see the first part of the episode and thought ‘hey, that Meta Crisis looks cool. I must get me one of those’ and then you went out to look for canon characters to shag, without bothering to watch the rest!?” It broke up, stepped away from her and gestured to Mittens.
He stepped forward and cleared his throat. “You are also charged with saving a character who was canonically dead. When we put canon back in order, he will return to being dead, which means that, technically, you’re making us kill a canon character. That’s also a charge.”
“And that’s just the best case scenario,” the RMC added, having had a moment to calm down. “If he doesn’t go back to being dead, when canon reasserts itself, it means that someone will have to get their hands dirty. You better pray that this doesn’t happen, because if it does, my colleague and I are going right back to the Floating Hyacinth to tell her, that we are not going to complete this mission and why. Oh, she’ll be angry and a couple of Twilight troll-fics will come our way, but what matters is that we won’t be made to complete the assignment and instead she’ll send some of the tough guys.” It flicked its tail. “They don’t mind killing a canon child. Imagine what they’ll do to you.” There was long pause in which Hermione tried to smirk, but failed.
Finally the RMC continued: “You are also charged with conspiring to do further crimes, mostly having to do with you lusting after Captain Jack Harkness. For all these crimes you are sentenced to death. Any last words?”
“No.” Hermione growled. “I want my Jack. I’m his favorite person in the whole world, next to the Doctor.” She drew her wand.
If she had actually bothered to display some kind of combat skill in her fics, rather than just sleeping with canon characters, or if she had been more like the real Hermione, something might have come of this. As it were, Mittens, who had drawn his gun while the RMC read the charges, simply shot her in the head before she could utter an incantation. “So,” he said, “do we feed her to the Acromantulas again?”
“Don’t see why not. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them and to have the punishment repeated by PPC-agents. Grab that Vortex Manipulator, would you?”
“Huh?”
“Her leather bracelet.”
“Oh, right. I’ll get it.”
After disposing of the Sue, the agents returned to the warehouse to check up on the canons. They both felt their hearts sink. They had hoped that canon had completely reasserted itself by now, but Steven was clearly alive and Alice Carter was still hugging him, smiling happily. Around them, everyone else was going about their business, not looking at the non-canonically living boy and his mother.
“Steven hasn’t gone back to being dead yet,” the RMC said. “And Alice is aware of it. Of course, it would be very out of character for her not to be aware of it. She might not remember why he is alive; she just knows that he is.”
“And her knowing that he is alive is helping to keep him that way,” Mittens added. “Do we need to separate them to break the loop?”
“That would be the next step, but let’s start by neuralyzing her again and reminding her that he is actually dead. Maybe that will be enough to push canon into snapping back.” It looked up at Mittens. “You’ll have to do it. I can’t talk to her looking like this.”
“Okay.”
“Her name is Alice Carter,” the RMC said. “The boy’s name is Steven Carter.”
Mittens nodded and walked towards the woman. She was still sitting on the floor with her son, cradling him, and he was smiling up at her, with the smallest hint of confusion.
Mittens closed his eye for just a moment, then proceeded to walk up to them, taking out the neuralyzer. “Alice Carter,” he said.
She looked up at him and he closed his eyes and flashed the neuralyzer at her. When he opened his eyes again, she was looking at him blankly. “Alice Carter,” he repeated. His hands were suddenly shaking badly and he clenched them. “There was no mysterious woman who appeared out of nowhere and revived your son. Steven is …” He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, but Steven is dead.”
Alice Carter frowned. “But …” she began. Then she looked at the child in her lap. He wasn’t moving. “No!”
“I’m sorry,” Mittens said.
“No! No! No! No!”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
As she started sobbing, he turned and walked away. He felt faint and dizzy and he had to make an effort to unclench his hands, so he could operate the RA and open a portal back to HQ.
Back in RC#170 Mittens slumped down in the beanbag, but made no motion to pick up the Playstation controller. The RMC looked at him, worried. It thought a cup of tea might have been soothing, but it lacked the hands to actually make one, so it just walked over to him and placed its paw on his knee.
“You had no choice,” it said.
“I know,” he replied, in a voice that suggested that even though he knew it, he didn’t believe it.
“The Sue had rigged it so that, if you hadn’t done what you did, he would have died anyway and in a much worse way.”
Mittens nodded. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes until something scratched at the RMC’s leg, demanding its attention. It turned to look and Mittens did the same. Gray and Lylium, two of the mini-Darkspawn were holding a steaming mug between them. Behind them, the rest of the minis were gathered, along with Aniseed and the Prefect Badger, all looking at the agents intently. Further behind them, the kitchenette was a bit of a mess, with a tea tin having been knocked over and the tealeaves having been spilled on the table.
Mittens reached out and took the mug. He looked at the content, then took a sip. “Thank you,” he said. He looked at the RMC and smiled weakly. “I’ll be okay,” he said. The RMC patted his knee, but didn’t say anything.
“About that movie,” Mittens began.
“We can go another day, if you’re not feeling up to it.”
“No, I think I would like to go. It’s just … Does it have a happy ending?”
“It certainly does.”
“Then I would love to see it.”
“Drink your tea then. We’ll leave, when you’re finished.”